I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
