totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
