He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
