Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
