I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
So much Jack, so little girl.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
