turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
