Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
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