I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
