I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
