I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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