I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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