He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Randomize
