All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Randomize
