What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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