Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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