Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
