the condom got lost in my hair
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
