I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
