I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
