I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
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we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
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If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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