Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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