If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
We had to coat check the pizza.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
