i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
