What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
