What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
