i would punch a child for taco bell
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
