Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
