I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
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