stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
