When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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