The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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