I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
