It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
