God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
