True but thats because hes a fetus.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
