I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
