so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
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you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
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I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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