I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
