He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
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