I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
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We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Vodka?
Forever.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
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I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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