My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My ass is underappreciated
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
