wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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