My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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