I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
