You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
