Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
