im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize
