you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
