On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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