Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Drunk is a universal language darling
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
