I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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