I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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