Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
