problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
