I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
