I wish I could teleport
Umm I'm too high to move.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.