yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
The Olympian is in my bed
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
