we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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