he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
