I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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