So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
