i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
